A Good Ol' Fashion Christmas

To me, our society seems too permissive…too…oh, I don’t know…too non-responsible. And this is the time of the year when that is most clear to me.

Gene Autry is telling us that Santa is coming to town, and the Little Drummer Boy is telling the king to bring silver and gold to the child in the manger, Burl Ives wants us to have a holly, jolly Christmas…

But does everyone really deserve a holly, jolly Christmas? What ever happened to the good old days when the nasty boys and girls got coal in their stockings? Did the environmentalists put the kibosh on coal? What’s a parent supposed to put into his child’s stocking if the kid’s been a horse’s neck all year—solar panels?

I think there’s a time and place for everything—even coal. And since we’re in Pennsylvania, the anthracite capitol of the nation, what better surprise for a menacing Dennis to find upon awakening Christmas morning?

Well…be of good cheer, for I bring you tidings of great joy, for last week, in a South Jersey Dollar Store, I found Christmas coal for sale! And it was very affordable (Well it was a dollar store!).

I’m so glad to see that some merchants are not neglecting an often-overlooked segment of our population—those bad little boys and girls who deserve coal in their stockings.

Each of the little packets I found for sale contained two separate lumps of coal, so if you have what used to be called a rich man’s family—one boy; one girl—(and, both have been naughty this past year) you can get all of your holiday shopping done in one location, and still get change for your five dollar bill. Charles Dickens would be exultant.

So let’s stop pandering to those undisciplined, bad-tempered, wayward street urchins that turn their noses up to the vegetables at your dinner table night after night. Give them what they’ve been asking for—a little bituminous, some lignite, or my personal favorite—good old anthracite.

But don’t wait too long, because coal is simply a form of carbon, and if it’s put under enough pressure for a long enough time, it turns into diamond. And you don’t want to give diamonds to a delinquent.

Boy, I gotta tell ya…I’m really getting into the Christmas spirit.

Ho…ho…ho.